do not feel safe.

yesterday I joined live stream of a sporting event in the USA and after I had made several general comments I was promptly recognized by many live youtube viewers even though that outcome was not the exercise of my volition - I thought I was going to pass off completely unnoticed. there were over 4200 live viewers and it was impressive and scary to witness that some comments were directly or indirectly following up on [ reverberating off of ] my posts. i won't do that again.

they wanna imply faults and make me bad at any rate

Im writing again for I m in the grip of sick and ignorant men. Im writing again for I m re-experiencing trouble in Serbia. guess the fault is in the outlook on life and the world. in their motto serbs claim: God Protects Serbs while Americans say In God We Trust. there is a fundamental difference, those who trust in God have power and tend to readjust themselves according to the situation which implies some level of self-criticism. when you believe that God unconditionally protects you as the chosen ones, that means that you are not self-critical, then you can kill, provoke, gangstalk, lie or maim at your will - God will always be on your side as you cannot go wrong. I must be critical towards slerbs because they started it all first and I had to respond with criticism - this satanic swirl has been going on and on for way too long. "born in Serbia" after the WWII – in itself, that is already a sentence by the Higher Power. a number of these guys has been trying to find me any blame for years as the state of serbia depends on this, as there is no tomorrow.

I must say some of these guys are unrivaled in their ignorance.

also, all those that are ignorant, prejudiced and evil - they will be karmically responsible. it is bad, karma only works after they had wronged you, so as you suffer as well you do not have any spiritual fruits from their karmical punishment. I do not enjoy in it.

A metaphor

I could imagine myself crossing over the street in timely fashion to avoid running into McAfee’s loosed dogs coming over in my direction or John himself walking towards me. I do not personally believe nor know that he ever did anything wrong in his life, anything against the law, but the image is that he is not to be fooled around with. or if you fool with his dogs, you can possibly alter your fate. I like and I do not like that at the same time. but I’d also like to imagine that someone thinking about or coming at me here in Serbia would also do something in fear so that I can at least be respected and left alone as one of mcafee dogs would have been. of course, even though im living a dog’s life – under the watchful eyes of serbian nation - (with respect to what i could have been) I still have a human nature but somehow I feel there is a property of the United States tag attached to my being which only enrages some serb types – making them angry as somehow to some of them my being personifies their worst nightmare, their worst current enemy - the United States of America - what else would make them do things to me and behave in a way that would appall any half decent human being. Im appalled. I am afraid. I am in fear. in other words I wished I was [as protected as, as respected as] John McAfee’s dog as my current invisible master is a sissy or worse from the local perspective.

ignorance is a bliss

is it a jinx that I always come across
the worst Serbian fabric imaginable?

not only i was a tennis umpire in the midatlantic USTA section in the United States, but tennis was always in my blood. long time ago I used to play some tennis almost every day on the northeast courts nearby cottman ave in Philadelphia with some old jewish and catholic guys before falling in love with ms. c. krokenberger and moving to Ambler h.s.  courts where she grew up (after a little investigation I found out that she made some junior wins training on those courts – well I was madly in love with her and Mary Pierce at the same time and hopeful to see if I could run into her while enjoying playing tennis nearby her spirits) and all these guys were either on the best buddy terms with me or highly respectful. on the pitch nearby cottman ave. there was a very tall guy, we’ll call him “ed”, who had a nasty kick serve, but he was also looking, dressing and acting a bit gay if I remember well. however, I never thought or acted about him in any disparaging fashion (at the time, mid 1990s, it was still unusual and not so advantageous to consider someone a rainbow.) why did that cross my mind? there is a little bit of analogy here. this is how it’s run in the states, nice and easy and with all due respect for your neighbor disregarding what he is wearing or doing. everybody minds their own business – unless you perhaps come off suspicious as a possible Russian spy and all hell breaks loose, and everybody looks at you differently with a reason until you are cleared. well here in Serbia one hour ago, which would be minutes after midnight, after reading a higher than usual blood sugar levels, I decided to jump out of bed and take a quick brisk walk in pyjamas with my English bullterrier who is sometimes so unwilling to cooperate and enjoys in giving trouble by trying to go his own ways. meanwhile Im trying to advise him as to who's the boss that knows the route and the routine. so in this business of trying to persuade him to follow me we lose our momentum and thus come across all kinds of serbian night life homecomers. btw, I think that night life sucks in general and it is a bullshit, here and basically everywhere. it is boring. I mean the point of wasting time in some smokey joint while doing often times cheap and dubious drugs with a bunch of hookers is just painful rut. Im sorry but it is nothing but the boredom to me. I am beyond that (as a starting point - never did that type of thing.) and so as we pass these guys dropping off their buddies in our neighborhood we hear behind us, “I told you so…” and a lot of laughs. laughs that give us some clues about our neighborhood, our country, and yes, life in the main.  

verbal prompts and cues along my way, downtown Belgrade

as far as Im concerned I feel so rejected on the large scale and this concerns me. I can believe that someone took a lot of general ideas from my stolen notebooks and hard drives in the States, a movie motherless Brooklyn comes to mind, but that does not concern me.

today in downtown belgrade, serbia, a boutique worker stood on the porch outside of shop with some guy and as I passed by I overheard: this – does not stand a chance. obviously, there was a single upward head nod in my direction, the one i did not see, for some things i can just conjure.

I picked two facts from her statement, number one) she does not consider me to be a human being, and number two) something is about to go down or something is going on, where Im onboard participating without even knowing it.   

and this comes from a man fully aware of the thoughts I have about myself as well as them for trying to bring me down - sincerely though - in their minds all the time, so we may as well conclude that we are two different animals.