Tuesday, July 16, 2013

faux mariah

 was to the maxi twice. there was no sign of mary as if she has vanished into thin air. suspect either one of the following probabilities:
a)    vacation

b)    transfer to another store

c)     quit working

d)    trouble

e)     hiding around when i am there - what i could promise her to become mine? i think she'd be self-destructing with the most despicable man on the planet just to make me jealous and down. and i am her favorite option. how stupid is that?*

whatever it may be the uncertainty was killing me. instead of her, i saw two other mariahs, the one with a child and the faux one. and the second time i noticed the faux one who was then mildly flirting with me, she was not in uniform and looked quite attractive, and as if some poor devil was telling me – okay, man, she looks good too – let’s switch the attention. oh God please do not let me lose this focus from the real mary, please do not let me fall for the one who an’t all original. please God you cannot do it to me like that. was just reading freud and he calls this a blockage of (cathected) energies which eventually build up and require release in alternative ways. i wanna release, yeah!!! this release could occur, for example, by way of regression and the "re-cathecting" of former positions or fixations, or the autoerotic enjoyment (in phantasy) of former sexual objects: "object-cathexes". at any rate, i do not want displacement – i want the real one!!! cannot wait. know what the motherfuckers are thinking right now )))

* a totally opposite example would be dusica spasic, tv anchor. and as soon as i think, there she goes, some guest scumbag caught her in his net on his seemingly flying looks and behavior, thinking she does not see what a scumbag that man really is, she reads them like an x-ray machine, oh man, and i get excited about the smarts she possesses. 

FOLLOW UP ON 17th of June, 2013: nada. zilch. zero. nothing. will go to the maxi supermarket today, but i am sure she is not going to be there. man, what a disappointment, i have not been so disappointed from the time i was in good ol' usa.  


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