THEY WANT TO KILL AMERICANS BUT IN THE END THEY TAKE IT OUT ON ME

in the united states you could say your prayer before a meal and I adore quakers who practice this habit like true worshipers and honest to goodness decent christians.

in post communist serbia I tried taking a minute to say a prayer before eating in public and I was looked at as if I was not normal or as if i was a total jerk rather. i felt so socially awkward and the public reaction makes you freak out inside because a few people have that sense of openness to let everyone express themselves without scrutiny. you practically feel that you must hide your sincerity in public but God is more important than the opinions of these post communist earthlings or whatever they should be called - cohabitants.

estas tonne on the other hand looks like he prays before anything, maybe he doesn't but if at the same time the same people i am talking about would be looking at his modes of behavior i am sure they would find it cool and okayable just because of who he is. in other words they would respect him because they have mixed feelings about various foreigners while in serbian caste system which is quite similar and comparable to gypsy (indian nomad) caste system, they find me despicable because once i am considered one of their own they do not approve of a different and unusual behavior on my part. some traumas and blame - psychological or physical punishment - are then to follow. traditionally gypsies are not allowed to marry non gypsies etc and these rules are presently broken even within the gypsy world and i am herewith talking about serbs who are more down to earth but some stigmas and no-nos do exist. this is how Cosa Nostra operates too and these are also the serbian double standards. talking about the control freaks barking up the wrong tree. let alone earning credit where credit is due when it comes to art world and art patronage.

so this is how my local enemies are adding stigma value to the stories about me while it is hard to stay afloat and explain yourself to the single minded serbian citizens who do not know better. they keep accusing you of this and that and it is almost impossible to be left alone and have normalcy back in your life. furthermore I wonder who is responsible for the problems I have with the serbian crazies. there are many aggressive serbs of course, hundred times more than I ever witnessed in the united states, and multiply that by the difference (in numbers) of 3-6 million Serbian citizens vs. millions back in the US. imo serbian crazies believe that i have something to do with nato bombing of 1999 and since they cannot lay hands on and square it up with some american citizens they salivate over the opportunity to have someone at hand to release their anger and frustrations at and every day I feel they are taking it out on me. just one example – today i was purchasing some materials in the store domino, pancevacki put 72a, belgrade which is similar to home depot and the clerk was super hospitable until she realized who I was. all of a sudden she started coughing up like crazy, coughing after every word only to become fully disrespectful while I became the receiving end of her nasty meanness that was glazing over in her eyes even though I spent a lot of money there. none of my actions called for this behavior whereby she was suddenly overwhelmed by the total prejudice. i experienced a number of similar situations here in serbia. i did not give these people but one reason to behave in that manner. all I know I feel graced by God – cause it is the greatest grace and highest blessing when you are provoked and attacked without a single reason. I myself would feel the greatest fear if I was in their shoes attacking or insulting someone just for the hell of it in total ignorance. I know that the saddest karma would get me, if not me then someone I adore or love. It is the worst that can happen to a human being. but let them do it, it is like they benefit you at the same time cos you get credits with God and there is nothing you can do about it. i wonder what karma awaits American citizens who got this serbian medieval upon my ass. I hate to think that some of them are responsible for flooding in new orleans as well as obrenovac, serbia. I do not have anything to do with it, if they had been asking for it, it was on them entirely. if you know what i mean then take a look at my natal chart in the zodiac sign of cancer as well:

the only salvation for me would be if the younger girl from the united states, the Oklahoma missionary or the Ohio Quaker type, comes around and saves my life by becoming my partner in life and saving thus the remainder of my integrity. she would not have to have to learn another language. I've been looking at these serbian people – the types that are eager to hurt me - driving around in these vehicles – which I do not have – there are many of them and each one has got a look of unquestionable integrity inscribed on their face. you can see courage in their stance they do not lack anything. they have money, kids, car, wife, lovers, businesses and still i am something that bothers them. i do not have prospects to start up a family here in this lifetime, I do not even have a girlfriend, I do not have a car. what kind of injustice is this that prevails in serbia. nothing that I had ever known can compare and compete with this serbian reality.
they are practically itching for the entire belgrade to remain without drinking water and there is nothing i can do about it. that is why i am so sad - having been forced to live with these people that - come what may - do everything opposite of what i consider natural and reasonable. plus a word to the wise: my delusions of grandeur are equal to nil. it is not necessary to be well informed; some of you must know that what i am describing herewith is nothing but the reality. 

this essay as well as all other essays in this blog are concept art in its best form and the truth to the best of my knowledge as well. as of the moment of my latest posting the color codes throughout the media – amanpour for example wearing green which symbolizes persistence and the strength to cope with adversity – changed dramatically so it is important to highlight that the latter is important. it hereby also acknowledges the powerful experience of sgt. james penniston who "downloaded an information." in other words, somebody must be listening in and i want to release the information to those who will listen, decode, understand, engage and thus help.