developing a four eye vision while twitching with spasms

you can be serb or american all you want, but be human first.

after i was attacked unexpectedly on several occasions and beaten almost to death last time, i have to admit i’ve never been so paranoid in my life as i am now being in serbia. everywhere around here i am expecting new attacks out of blue. there were times i walked alone in harlem, n.y.c., after midnight and there were times i was surrounded by fifteen “niggers” in watts street in philadelphia while some of them were yelling ‘get the gun, kill the motherfucker, kill him’ and i am still alive. now, after everything i’ve been through – all those numerous and deadly adventures, to me it is beyond comprehension that in one “free european country” i still have to look over my shoulder on every five seconds. i don’t duck, i an’t afraid of bullets just physical and mental blows and abuse by serbian population - public impalement. thinking about it, it all has to do with serbian government - the one that bangs the drum for hatred and approves of the serbian behavior? when i came back to serbia, the first thing i knew, the military summoned me* to army psychiatrist who was telling me how terrible americans were for keeping (me) in guantanamo style isolation while bypassing every single legal step and constitutional right and ruining my family in the process. however, serb state never did anything to defuse the escalated hatred that rose within the lines of some serbs. the stupid hatred. on my part, i did not do anything locally to promote this hatred towards me. the government did. i must say also that next to those who were overly aggressive in their actions (majorly lowlifes, thugs, gangbangers, drug addicts), all those serbs that openly showed their animosity toward me were handicapped either physically or mentally and my fault was that i did not realize that one too early. i always wondered how an unknown beautiful girl walking by could hate me, not thinking then what a mental wreck jobs they were on the inside. thus, if i had thought about it earlier, i would have spared myself from a lot of trouble of wondering why. there are many people here that have some nasty complexes and internal problems of all sort. not everyone, but many. however, as i rode bus no. 18 today – august 30^th 2013 – there aboard came an older skunky looking guy who flashed and wielded a ball pen in a stabbing motion and he even came after me as i was going to exit wielding his ballpen as knife, as if he was going to stab me. he stood behind all of a sudden saying ‘but no’ and returning to an inside standing spot as i exited, what if he was a bit crazier or more drunk – i believe he was half-drunk - give away sign were bloody red eyes - what if he did attack me, that would have been another one. i think it would have been a joy for all those crazy serb and american bastards that did this to me and promoted hatred and violence for years on end. 

s.o.s.

* don't feel betrayed - i feel unfairly extracted from the society (wedges inserted; artificially created hiatus), blocked out from helping hands, and exposed to all evil in this nation:
- was it fair that i was not allowed a chance of a new beginning, a chance of a new family in serbia,
- my home begins falling apart, and there is nothing i can do since i am prevented (blocked out) from being able to do anything constructive,
- how is it possible that almost everyone who wants to - drives in serbia - was it fair to keep me unable to profit on my intelligence and reconnect with the society, continue living prosperously as i was in united states. serbian nation drives, and i don't. this is a small indicator of what they did to me and where is my newly found place in the serbian society. i am too inferior in comparison with the rest of serbian nation. serbs took off all abilities and advantages away from me as a punishment - for what? the only powerful ally i have around here is God.